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Personal, Uncategorized | August 25, 2017

Journal Entry #1: What Really Matters To Me

Journal Entry #1 August 2017

The beginning of the school year is my new New Years! I’m nesting like a crazy women. I’ve even got my crazy game face on. Ha! It may have even gotten so bad that my husband wondered if I was pregnant (I’m not.)  And by “nesting”, I mean organizing, cleaning out closets, etc. I even went through old artwork and pictures to make room for this year’s artwork and pictures. I wish I could say this was a special moment for me- you know, looking all serene and feeling nostalgic as I flip through the pictures in the attic (all movie like). And yes, some of the time it was, until I got to a specific class picture. My son looked like he just got out of bed. I’m not kidding. His hair is standing up in opposite directions, and he’s wearing a hand-me-down cartoon t-shirt with a completely stretched out neck. Meanwhile, the other boys are wearing collared shirts and have perfectly coifed hair. I already felt a tightness in my chest thinking about how much time has gone by, and this picture pretty much put me over the edge. What if this is proof that I really did fail as a mom during that rough patch I went through? I knew my head could start spinning like nobodies business, so I marched downstairs for reinforcements. Sane reinforcements, otherwise known as my husband. I told him about the picture, the outfit, and the hair. His response? A plain and simple, “None of that matters. They felt loved by you. That’s what matters”. And like the good, self-doubter I am, I replied, “Ok… they felt loved, right?” I had a really hard time as a young, new mom with two boys 17 months apart (I lovingly refer to it as my “deep dark hole”), so I needed him to say it again. He said, “There is no doubt in my mind that they felt loved by you 100% of the time.” Well, phew! That’s good because I love them, with every ounce of my entire being, 100% of the time.

But the more I think about it, my sons never really look coifed or perfectly coordinated. They dress themselves. I don’t tell them what to wear. I think it’s my way of retaliating. My mom could be a pretty big stickler on what I wore. So that’s why when my son chose a green splatter painted Under Armor shirt and bright red Under Armor shorts (very Christmas-y and flashy) to wear on the first day of school, I let it roll because he felt good about himself!
So, I’ve decided two things:
1. When my son is 20, if he asks why he looks so terribly unkempt in his picture, I’ll tell him that this is what it looks like when your mom is busy loving you with every cell of her being. It’s just that somedays it looks better than others.
2. If my boys ask why I let them go to school wearing xyz, I’ll tell them that’s what they wanted to wear and what they felt good in! Who was I to mess with that?
Well, phew! Now I have answers to two hypothetical future questions that they will probably never ask. HAHAHAHA!
If you are looking for an encouraging “mom read” (which are hard to find), check out Sparkly Green Earring by Melanie Shankle. You’ve probably already read it, but if you haven’t, you should. I just downloaded her new book, and I can’t wait to read it!

 

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