The last couple of weeks got me thinking about the big trials I’ve experienced in my personal life. During those times, I was told by well meaning people to get over it, pull myself up by my boot straps, stay positive, and look at all I have to be grateful for. I do believe in the power of gratitude, but you know what I mean. I just don’t get over things quickly. When tragedy strikes, I feel it. It hurts, it’s painful, and I struggle.
At the age of 23, I lost my mom. I was sad and confused but mostly angry. How could God let this happen? How could people just go on with their normal lives when my mom had just passed away? I remember crying to my husband (boyfriend at the time) and telling him how mad I was at God and how angry I was in general. He said something very profound, and it has changed my perspective when faced with big trials. He said,”You have two choices. You can go the way of bitterness, anger and resentment, or you can go the way of hope.” In that moment, I chose hope, and I’ve chosen hope time and time again since.
BUT let me be clear, the way of hope hasn’t been pretty. I didn’t just choose hope and suddenly feel happiness and joy wash over me. It’s been a struggle. I’ve grappled with depression, anger, and pain that I was scared would never leave. It reminds me of this quote from Fearless by Max Lucado:
“Real courage embraces the twin realities of current difficulty and ultimate triumph.” -Max Lucado
To embrace the pain I was feeling while simultaneously embracing the promise of ultimate hope (triumph) was beyond difficult. Honestly, some days I couldn’t even fathom it, and I feared that there would never be an ultimate triumph. This is precisely why Lucado calls it courageous, which reminds me of another quote…
“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” – Dorothy Bernard
During some of those hard times my fear and anxiety could overwhelm me. In those moments, choosing hope looked like being courageous enough to say a prayer. Yes, even that was hard. And it didn’t just make the pain magically disappear. Faith was once described to me as what helps you put one foot in front of the other in order to find hope. Faith is what kept me praying, and it’s what kept me going. It helped me look towards hope.
To those of you who can’t just hop up and get over it, I’m with you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It’s courageous to feel pain. It’s courageous to choose hope. It’s also extremely hard, but the alternative is worse (anger, resentment, hustling, numbing, running). It’s not pretty and it doesn’t happen quickly for me, but I have found choosing hope to be worth it.
You know what else is courageous? Actually hitting “publish” on this post, because I have given a lot of thought to just bagging this post all together. After all, I admit that I’ve been bitter, angry, depressed, anxious and mad at God. Ha! Want to be friends?
A couple of books that have helped me are Fearless by Max Lucado, Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection and Rising Strong by Brene Brown, Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick, Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton and The Bible (Just a couple -ha!)
I’ve also found counscelors to be extremely helpful. My counselor in Houston is Stephanie Frey.
Hurricane Irma hit Florida on Sunday night. Power is back on for our house, but I can’t seem to snap out of it either! Watching my community and neighbors struggle tugs at my heart. How can this happen? I almost feel guilty for having power because so many people do not! I can’t just move on from these big life events either! Sometimes it feels like I lack resiliency, but as I grow older I realize that the negative self-talk never helped anyone. It’s just the way I am, and I’m trying to learn to be ok with that! Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for your comment Anne! I’m glad to know I’m not alone!
I like what you say, and I like the quote by C. S. Lewis. I too lost my mother at 22 when I was 3 months pregnant, a sister the day after my son was born, and my husband when my third boy was only 2. I was on welfare for several years. Yet I always had hope, and I worked hard. Today my sons are wonderful and successful, I am remarried, and I live on a golf course in beautiful Virginia.
What an amazing story Elaine! You give us hope!
I’m glad you didn’t bag this post. We could be friends…I’ve been mad at God for not answering prayers, resentful towards those I love who don’t love back (the way I want them to), in despair about whether I will ever feel like me again–the person I thought I was before the trials. God has reminded me to trust and obey – that’s it. There’s no guarantee of victory in this world. I used to think if I trusted and obeyed that “it would all work out.” But maybe it won’t, and God is still good. My victory is not in overcoming a trail, it’s in praising my God who is always good.
Hi friend, Your faith is encuraging. Thank you.
Very powerful post. Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks for this – I had cancer two years ago and whilst I am healthy and grateful I am alive, I lost my ability to have children as a result. I get so many comments all the time like ‘You can just adopt’ and honestly i just want to be furious and angry because it’s not that simple. I am always polite and never show how much these comments hurt me deeply. I am thankful for the reminder that it’s okay to not be okay and not get over it, I am trying hard to always choose hope but it’s not always pretty. Thanks for this so much!
Oh Carly I love this post. I can’t tell you how much I needed this today! It really applies to so many things in our lives- big tough life events but also little daily disappointments and struggles.
Thank you for posting this.
🙂
I am so proud of you Carly! You are an amazing woman! I love you, dear child.
Barbara
Your fun and frivolity (which we all need!) is grounded by your authenticity, my dear!
I love when you share your heart. And I love you. xoxo
So refreshing to hear a woman speak of her “imperfections” and “vulnerabilities”. You are in fact very courageous and I believe it’s posts like these that are needed every now and then from bloggers. It’s so easy to craft and curate picture perfect images , but the world needs more honesty and truth like this. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Love this post so much! I am not a “just get over it” girl either. I’d love to say I can let life roll over me but sometimes it just takes some time to process it all. Once processed I can start getting over it all. I feel deeply which can be good and bad and I have a feeling you do too ha! I think we would be friends in “real life” even though I’m much older than you. So glad you posted this:)!
I needed this today. I mean I NEEDED this today. I lost a dear friend to suicide a week ago. They called me to tell me they were going to do it and I tried to talk them down. I was unsuccessful. I know there was nothing I could have done and my mind knows that but I’m suffering under the guilt. My family and friends are ready for me to get over it but I am deep in the valley of grief. It is very dark and lonely here. I have a wonderful counselor and am choosing to believe there is hope ahead. Your words describe where I am. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and those resources.
Thank you ! I needed this just for life in general!!😘
I needed to read this today. My mom is currently in the ICU after experiencing a severe brain hemorrhage and at this point we don’t know if she will make it. I am experiencing all of the emotions you described and it’s hard to see everyone living their normal life around me while I feel stuck in slow motion just praying that we make it to the next day. Thank you for posting.
Beuatiful post lovely girl xx
Thank you for bing real and posting this. You are giving others comfort and strength in knowing that they are not alone. Many blessings to you!!!
❤️
I read every single one of your comments, and I am so grateful to all of you. Not only am I not alone, but I am amidst the bravest, strongest, most courageous women in the world. I feel honored that you all read this blog. I wish you all could come over to my house for dinner. I’d give you a big hug and probably get tears in my eyes. Thank you for accepting me as your friend.
Hugs Carly. Losing your mother-you never get over it. You have to stay true to yourself and not care what anyone thinks, says. This gets easier with age. Truly.
My biggest life lesson has been-letting it GO.
Yes. It’s psychologically healthy to feel our pain when tragedy strikes. What we repress only grows and can never ultimately be ignored anyway. I applaud your bravery and willingness to be real. We need more of this in the world, so we can grow our empathy and compassion for one another. Thank you for sharing this. Here are some more thoughts on the topic: http://thepowerofideas.ideapod.com/brazilian-shaman-reveals-dark-side-positive-thinking/
Bravo for sharing your words of wisdom culled from wounds and survival.