When my mom passed away, there were many well meaning people who offered me solace by saying, “it’s all in God’s plan”. While I believe this to be true, if you’ve ever lost a loved one or experienced something that makes no sense this side of heaven, then you know how difficult, confusing, and hurtful these words are to hear in the moment. Since this has happened to me, I don’t want to say something similar to others, so instead, I often find myself looking at them through tears pooling in my eyes and saying very few words, which can make it really awkward -ha! But recently, I heard an amazing sermon by Katherine Wolf, who has been through her own set of difficulties. In the sermon, when talking about people saying “it’s all in God’s plan” during very difficult times, she made the point that she believes, “There is a ministry of tears just as there is a ministry of truth.” In other words, there is a time when tears serve others better than blurting out a statement of truth (like during difficult times). Amen, sister! Finally, someone said it out loud! Those words were like balm to my soul! I feel like I can be done with this post now because this is such a powerful healing point for those of us who have been the recipient of hurtful words. But I can’t stop there because it made me think of something else that there is a time for… But first, If I, or anyone you know, has said something very hurtful to you while you’re in the middle of pain, forgive us. It came from a good place.
When I’m grieving, words usually don’t comfort. What I really want is someone to just hug me and cry with me. I believe that is showing God’s love because I believe that is what God wants to do in that moment. He wants to hug me, rock me and cry with me. It saddens Him to see His children sad. I try to not let the hurtful words someone has said during my pain take me down and make me lose hope. That’s the worst (I’ve been there). Now, I try to remind myself, in the painful times of life (during the next one, y’all may have to remind me of this post), that this too shall pass. This is a season of life (albeit, painful), and even if I can’t feel it in that exact moment, God IS there. He promises to be with us always. He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). I don’t know what season you are in right now, but just as there is a time for truth and tears, there is also a time for mourning and grieving. When I’m in the middle of a difficult season and I can’t see the forest for the trees, this verse really helps:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Just as there are times of overwhelming pain, there will be times of healing, laughing, dancing, mending and peace ahead! Amen! (Sigh of relief!) Hold On, Pain Ends – H.O.P.E. This, I know to be true. Here’s a big hug from me to you! I hope you can feel it.
Some other helpful resources: Kathrine Wolf Quotes, Hope Heals by Katherine Wolf, For Those of Us Who Can’t Just “Get Over It”
You have such a sweet spirit that comes through in your writing. Thank you for being authentic with your joy, your pain, and your struggles!
Thank you for your sweet comment!
Wonderful message-thanks for posting
Really great post, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for your comment. xoxo
When struggling to explain grief to my friends who have not experienced loss, I found this graphic very helpful.
https://www.self.com/story/illustration-grieving
Thank you for your honesty and authenticity. As a new blogger, your blog is an inspiration for what I hope to be.
Oh goodness, I love ‘Hold On, Pain Ends’. I’ve never heard that one before. I agree with you ~ hearing “it was in God’s plan” during a hard time can make you feel bad {and it can also make me personally feel mad at God ~ that He planned it! Sorry, God!} Hugs and shared tears always make you feel understood and less alone. I also think hearing “Hold on, this pain WILL end” are words that could be said to comfort. That could give you hope during darkness! Thanks so much for sharing this, Carly! xo
Thank you, Phyllis! You know how I treasure your comments.
Long time reader / creeper, but have only commented one other time. I wanted to share how much I enjoy and agree with this post. I lost my 58 yr old dad of an aggressive brain tumor very suddenly – it will have been 5 years on 12/15 and I can remember in the days and months after his death people trying to console me by telling me that it would get easier as time passed. I wanted to smack people for telling me that. How could it possibly get easier? Of course now that a little more time has passed I do see that they are right BUT i have taken note to never say ‘it will get easier as time passes’ because, sometimes in the thick of grief, you just need your sadness validated and just like you said, you want people to cry with you. Of course everyone means well but any who I just wanted to share that for anyone who is trying to console someone.
For the record I love your blog 🙂 xx
You could have written this post! It’s just as you said, you just need your sadness to be validated. Thanks for commenting. I’m happy you did.
Thanks for being so honest and raw. I lost my mom this fall and really needed to hear (read) this. I’ve been amazed at what comments upset me. It’s taught me a lot about grief and how to interact with those going through it. I’ll add two that surprised me- “I know what you’re going through.” (Why does that make me so angry?? But it really, really does.) and when people find out I’m pregnant, some have acted so excited and commented things like “I love when God brings life after death/loss!” For some weird reason that upsets me too, like my baby is supposed to replace my mom, or like my mom had to die so I could have a little girl, neither of which they mean! I know people aren’t meaning to say hurtful things- actually the complete opposite- but I’ve added those to my list of things to never say to someone grieving because those words have strangely really stung. Grief is so weird and has had so many unexpected elements. Thanks for sharing your heart today (and many other times)!
Melody, Thank you for sharing your heart today! You are so right, grief is so weird and has so many unexpected elements!
This is just beautiful and a great reminder, Carly. It’s also good to remember that holidays aren’t happy for those who are suffering pain, grief or loss. Life is complicated and it’s good to remember to be still and just listen. I love this… H.O.P.E! I’m going to remember that! Thanks for sharing your heart. xoxo